Let me preface this by saying, one thing you will see as a general theme in my posts is what it's like to be involved in the world of politics but as an outsider looking in. And trust me, when you look closely, the political world is full of material worthy of a sitcom! So sit back, grab a coke, a smoke (that stuff will ya) and get ready to take another ride with me as I navigate the great sea that is South Carolina Politics.
My new BFF, Matt Robinson, called me yesterday and asked me if I would attend a political fundraising event here in Florence and man a campaign table for Andre Bauer. I thought to myself, how perfect is this. I was made to man a campaign table. I am young, incredibly good looking (My mom said I am, so there!) and I am well spoken. Without hesitation, I said yes. I started thinking to myself.. Today I am manning a campaign table and tomorrow... well who knows what the future holds for me. Anything is possible..... So I decided to go through my usual ritual whenever I attend any type of event. First things first. Plan my wardrobe. When you are representing the next Governor of South Carolina, you gotta look your best ( I mean have you seen Andre's posse? They look like they stepped out of Political Vogue, if there were such a thing). So I went to my closet, pushed aside the week old pizza and midget wearing speedos (Don't worry, he has a good life) and looked through my endless wardrobe of khakis, vests, and polos. Nope... that won't do..... neither will that..... where did that come from?!? Uggg. Dozens of clothes and yet, nothing to wear. So I decided to pull out all the stops and go shopping at my favorite store for a new outfit.
I got in my trusty Hyundai ( the one with all the political bumper stickers) and headed to the most high end, affluent, and exclusive store in Florence.... Wal-Mart. But not just any Wal-Mart. SUPER Wal-Mart. That's right folks. When it comes to looking my best, I spare no expense. I picked out a new shirt and vest that made me look sophisticated, yet still young and cute enough to attract all those potential voters to my table. Sometimes I think to myself... Self.. Is it fair to the world that I was born with talent, skills, brains, and good looks? Seems almost.. Greedy. But oh well. It's a burden I must carry with me... So, I went, got in a checkout line, and waited and waited.... watched a couple of kids grow up before my very eyes, seasons changed and I grew a beard. So after I finally paid for my stuff, both me and my beard headed home. I handed over my shiny new items to my mother to iron for me. The last time I tried to iron anything, somehow I ended up with one eyebrow and a hairless cat. And I don't even own a cat.... So best to leave the ironing up to the experts. Then my night consisted of watching America's Next Top Model and eating cheesecake. Wal-Mart cheesecake nonetheless. mmmmm. Two thumbs up. Off to bed I went to dream about Cheesecake eating models...
Today, leading up to the event was fairly uneventful. Other than the fact that I had a really good hair day, today. Don't ya just love when your hair does just what you want it to? I mean, that's even better than sex, or so I've heard... So on my new clothes went and after doing a final mirror check, out the door I went. I arrived early and decided to go in and set up my table. As I looked around at the other volunteers standing proudly at their tables, I felt like I was a member of an exclusive club. A club where people, young and old, rich and poor, decide to get off the couch and get out and support the candidates they feel can bring about positive change. Being a volunteer isn't just something you do, it's something you are. You are literally the most important person within a campaign. Because a candidate alone can't accomplish anything without the unwavering support of their dedicated volunteers. Writing a check to give a donation is easy, but donating your time, energy, and skills is something you can't put a price on. As I stood there, ready to hand out t-shirts and bumper stickers, the cast of characters started to trickle in the room....
First, there was this one young man, let's call him Chuck, who I observed carrying out a technique that I feel my readers would love to hear about and possibly learn how to do themselves. It's called.... the Sneak n' Giggle. Here's what you do. You stand in the corner of the room and survey the crowd. You spot a group of important looking people and you make your move. Like a cheetah you creep up on your unsuspecting prey. Swift and silent you move through the room navigating through tables, chairs, and the occasional amateur photographer trying to take your picture. NO, you say to having your picture taken. You are a man on a mission and nothing and no one will stop you. You get closer and closer to this group of movers and shakers. Suddenly you find yourself right inside this group. This is the "Sneak" part of the technique. The next part is the giggle. As soon as everyone else begins to laugh, so do you. But you must laugh hard and loud enough so people notice you. At first they may think, who is this crazy hyena and how did he get in? But then, being the courteous gentlemen they are, they let you stay. You have been accepted into the pack. Be careful though.... One wrong move and they will go for your jugular and you will never be heard from again..... (Check back soon as I will be offering instructional DVD's starring myself)
The rest of the evening went by quickly and I shook my fair share of hands. Even the man himself, Andre Bauer, came over and shook my hand and thanked me for being there (For those of you wondering, he has a very firm handshake. I had to ice my hand afterwards...) My BFF, Matt (Matt doesn't know yet he is my new BFF, but in my head he is....) was telling me about how he had to drive Andre's bus to this event. So for those of you who thought you saw a big blue bus flying down the interstate going down the wrong side and swaying back and forth and men in suits were hanging out the windows yelling, "Help me, Save Me, OMG please make this stop" then you probably had the privilege of seeing Andre's bus en route to Florence...
I packed up my tshirts and stickers and went out to Cici's to eat with Brad Richardson (the next Mayor of Johnsonville) and Jamie Rogers (the future first female president). For $3.99, you can't beat that! So this brings to an end another exciting stop in my journey along the South Carolina political highway. Let me leave you, my friends, with this sentiment... Never arm wrestle Andre Bauer.. He is literally, the Strong Arm of Politics.
PS: Did you know there is such a thing as Midget Professional Wrestling? And the wrestlers have names like Fuzzy Cupid, Short Sleeve Sampson, and Little Beaver.... Why have I not heard of this before and where do I get tickets? I tried asking a member of the Lollipop Guild (he lives behind the dumpster down at the BP Station in case you wanna get an autograph) but he said he didn't know, even after I let him sit on my lap. (Don't judge me.)
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