The following is an account of actual events. The persons involved were in serious danger the entire time. Please do not try this at home...
Once in a blue moon, you do something so dangerous, so death defying, and yet... you live to tell about it. Today, my friends, was one of those days. The day started out seemingly normal enough. Slept in, did some grocery shopping at Wal-Mart, and had a really good Bacon Cheeseburger at Hardee's (no, the Cheeseburger was not the dangerous part of the day). As I left Hardee's, I could see in the distance the clouds rolling in. They were charging straight ahead, chasing away what semblance of sunshine was left. I hung my head in disbelief. Why, oh why, must every day I have off from work resemble the movie "Twister" or "2012" with all the inclement weather? Oh Lord, I know I shouldn't have told that woman in Wal-Mart her baby sort of resembled Richard Nixon, but deep down, I didn't mean it! (Ok, maybe I meant it just a little..) So, putting aside the fact that the universe is obviously upset with me, I decided to brave the cold and the rain and the winds to go and do something that any good, dedicated volunteer would do.... I went to fix an Andre Bauer sign that had fallen down out by the airport. Now, ladies and gents, whether the sign fell down on it's own or whether it is the center of some government conspiracy reaching to the highest levels of power, remains to be seen.... (Where are Mulder and Scully when you need them??) I decided to go home and gather some tools...
While at home, I looked for my tool chest. Hmm, where is that thing? I know I put it somewhere? Oh wait.... I don't have a tool chest... So I decided to look for the tools I needed in the next best place. The kitchen junk drawer. You know that drawer in your kitchen that is like the island of lost souls? It's the place that anything and everything that doesn't find a home elsewhere in your house, ends up. I rummaged through the tape, scissors, pens, seven remote controls, dead batteries, and blue blazers ( I am trying to rid the world of them..). YES!! I found a hammer! I also grabbed a hole puncher, a screwdriver, and some cable ties. I packed up my tools in my little Hyundai and off I went to save the world (or in this case, Andre's sign).
As I was driving down the street, I could feel it. I was approaching the scene of this terrible tragedy. It sent a shiver down my spine. The thought of that poor sign, just lying there, getting pummeled by the rain and wind... I could barely stomach it. "Hold on Andre sign, I am a comin' to save you!" As I stepped out of the car, my feet sunk deep into the muddy ground. I walked over to the sign. There it was. Looking so helpless and sad. Like a little kitten who's lost, miles from home. A wiped away a tear, and got out my tools. Upon closer inspection, the damage was worse than I anticipated. The cable ties were broke and the holes in the sign used to attach the cable ties were in bad shape. And the posts that were once "in" the ground, now lay helplessly "on" the ground. Hmm, where to begin? I first dragged it over (a miraculous feat in and of itself) to a huge bush and leaned it up against the behemoth. I pulled out the hole puncher and made new holes. I attached the new cable ties and voila! The sign was once again attached to the metal posts. That was one thing down. But, wait, how in the heck do I get this thing in the ground? Even though the ground was slightly wet, it was still too hard to try and push the posts down far enough that it would be stable. I got out my trusty hammer. I looked at it and thought, hmmm, how do I use this thing? Which end do I hold? Where's the on button? Finally I figured it out. (Thanks to all those years of watching This Old House) All the while, the wind was blowing me from side to side and the rain, which by now was more than just a drizzle, was hitting me like tiny little bricks. At one point, I got blown across the street and landed on the airport runway. I decided, while I was there, to taxi in some planes. Just as I was helping a Cessna 152 up to the terminal, I was lifted off the ground once again and placed gently back over at the sign. Ahh, let's try to hammer this thing back in the ground. I hammered and hammered and hammered.... The posts should be halfway to China by now!!! I bent down to look. What?!? I didn't even make a dent in the ground! I tried once more and still the same. What's wrong, I thought to myself. I inspected the ground and decided it was too hard for a simple hammer. In order for this thing to not fall down again, it needed to be DEEP in the ground. Something I could not accomplish with my simple tools. So I accepted defeat, shook my fists at the sky in frustration, and decided that I could at least place the sign somewhere it would be visible until I could return with an army. I dragged it over, closer to the street, and wedged it in between a tree's branches. This should hold for now. At least people can see it and that's what matters most anyway. I turned around to take one final look at the sign that had beat me. The clouds parted and for a brief moment the sun came out and blinded me. I turned away, shielding my eyes, and when I turned back to the sign, it seemed to say, "Thanks for trying. You did your best". Of course after I turned my back to it, that darn sign flipped me the bird. What the?!? I got back in my Hyundai and off I went. But don't worry, I shall return to save this sign. Next time, though, it will be with an army of, 10,000 men, that will rally behind me to get the job done.
As I pulled into my driveway, I got out my car, knocked the mud off my shoes, and went inside, looking forward to my next adventure. Whatever that may be....
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